With a small C

Beware - conservatives are everywhere. They’re in the government, they’re in the institutions. And, worst of all, you’ve got one in your head.

Everyone’s a little bit conservative. If you’ve ever said, ‘Oh, I was enjoying that,’ about something that’s just stopped. If you struggle to get out the word ‘Snickers’ or ‘Starburst’. If you prefer cricket in white clothing (if you like cricket at all, really). You are, to some degree, conservative if you have ever described someone changing something as meddling, messing, or tinkering.

For some people, the little conservative voice in the brain becomes the defining characteristic of their characters. These conservative people in Britain enjoy the traditional, establishment bits of the country. They probably favour the Church of England, irrespective of their personal opinions on worshipping a deity. They love Radio 4. They respect the police. They revere the armed forces. They prefer public schools, and people who went to them. The royal family, especially the Queen, do a jolly fine job in pretty tricky circumstances, actually. They also, bless their socks, tend to vote for the Tory party.

You get conservatives in other parties too, of course. Tony Blair railed against the ‘forces of conservatism’, and he had in mind mostly Old Labour and the civil service - a very unlikely coalition. Blair assumed that anyone who opposes him must be in cahoots. Like the people who assumed that Osama and Saddam must have been regularly lunching together, simply because they both had spats with the Bush family.

Now New Labour Blairites can be seen as conservatives, begging that his legacy isn’t undone by cutting investment or cancelling invasions.

And the Lib Dems have their conservative element, which has carefully ensured that no senior Lib Dem has non-white or female skin.

But, of course, the Tory party has always been the natural home of the conservatively-minded element in British society. What is remarkable is how very badly the Tory party treats these people. The current government may have principally targeted the weak, poor, and vulnerable in their reforms. But the last four years has not been a picnic for the stuffy, the old-fashioned, and the set-in-their-ways (and they bloody love a picnic). They may not have had their livelihoods pitilessly targeted as the needy have - their investments are far too safe for anything like that. But this government has provided very little to warm a conservative heart.

It’s not the most important example, but look at broadcasting. A conservative person loves the BBC. They are put to bed by the Shipping Forecast, woken up by John Humphrys and, whether they love or hate The Archers, they do so with a life-affirming passion. They’re happy for the grandchildren to watch Doctor Who and, though they claim not to watch any television themselves, can describe the strengths and weaknesses of every single contestant on Strictly Come Dancing.

But the Tory party hates the BBC. It is a hotbed of lefty bias and - most grievous of all sins - it distorts the market. The BBC is a hangover from a barbarian past when people got things they hadn’t paid for. To this government, all people are consumers, all the time, in everything; all organisations are merchants; and the world will achieve perfection when it resembles one big market. The BBC doesn’t give customers an itemised bill, so how can we know if any of its services has any value?

The Tory party’s preferred broadcaster is Sky. Whereas a natural conservative, unless a major cricket fan, would never have a Sky subscription. Most of them don’t let their children watch ITV.

The Tories have parted ways with conservatives on all their sacred cows. The Tories made enemies of the police - conservatives love an honest copper (and still think they all are). The Tories have cut the armed forces extensively - conservatives have Help for Heroes car stickers, and would give all squaddies a job for life. The Tories have given equal marriage rights to everyone, which has left the naturally conservative baffled, if not actually appalled - and it’s made life terribly complicated for the poor old vicar. There are even some conservatives who think the government treated the Queen badly when they removed the gender bias from the primogeniture system of royal succession.

There are many aspects to a conservative character, and the current Tory leadership embodies just one. The Tories in government believe in right-wing economics - cutting back the state, trusting the market - and that’s it. To conservatives in the country, that belief is a long way down their list of priorities, if it figures at all.

The conservative is a many-faceted chap; the Tory cabinet minister has a one-track mind. Their love of cutting has extinguished their love of anything else. They are like a gardener who so enjoys weeding, they forget they ever loved flowers, and turn their award-winning garden into no man’s land.

The current Tory appeal to conservatives is entirely negative, based on a shared dislike of benefit scrounging and immigration: “You know those things you don’t much like? Well, we’re doing less of them!” At no point do they cherish anything, or hold it dear. And you can’t build a relationship entirely on hating the same things.

As this relationship breaks down, the Tories may see the results at the polls. British electoral logic says that when it rains on election day, Labour suffers. This isn’t really because Tory voters can get to the polling station without getting wet because they own motor cars and Barbour jackets. It’s because when natural Labour voters become disillusioned, they don’t vote for other parties, they stay at home. When lots of people are ambivalent about whether they can be bothered to vote, that’s when drizzle becomes a decisive factor.

Maybe now, the Tories will start to see the same problem. Maybe natural conservatives will join in with the refrain that the working class have been singing since the invention of New Labour: “We don’t know who you are any more. We’re your natural supporters, but what do you do for us?”

If it starts to rain on polling day, yes, more conservatives may get in the car. But the Tories may find it can just as easily take them to the golf club as the polling station. And the fact that the cabinet went to the right schools might not be quite enough to change that.